Real feelings – Part 2

​You know diary, nights are as everyone knows, for sleeping but something doesn’t seem to be right with me as I am not able to sleep properly. I am not able enjoy the peaceful nights. Every time I lay down and close my eyes, she comes in my thoughts. My mind starts rationalising whether what happened with me was right or not and whether the steps she took were right or not. My mind wanders into the seemingly unending areas creating a chain reaction of thoughts just like the nuclear fission happens. Her voice still feels fresh to my ears. Whatever she had shared me keeps replaying in my mind. It seems like everything in this world is trying to make me remember her more even when I am trying hard to forget everything for a new start. 

Last time, I talked to her on phone as she had called me to clear something and I don’t know know why but while talking to her and telling her about my conditions I started crying. My throat choked and words couldn’t escape my mouth. I had never cried like that before. Even now when I remember that scene of me crying, tears resurface again in no time. I don’t understand but now when I think of loving someone else, I feel like betraying her even though she isn’t in my life. 

You know diary, my hopes have shattered and I literally don’t want to be happy now. I love being sad now. I have stopped smiling for even myself. I have stopped caring for everyone including me. Neither I want to feel love anymore now nor I want to be with anyone now even though some part of me still longs to be with someone and feel the love but I keep reminding myself that I can’t bear all of this one more time. 

I have lost my strength, I have lost my smile, I have lost my happiness, I have lost myself… 

P.S – Another one of the feelings post. I guess putting these feelings out is good. 

Click here to read the 1st part.

Click here to read the 3rd part.

Image credits – Moddb