Real Feelings -Part 4

You know diary,

There comes a phase in our life when we neither feel sad nor happy.

There comes a phase in our life when we seem devoid of emotions.

There comes a phase in our life when everything seems blacked out around us but we don’t fear it because we feel at peace with it.

There comes a phase in our life when we don’t feel upbeat about anything.

Well, I am going right through this phase.

People may tell me that it’s wrong.

People may tell me that be happy.

People may tell me that enjoy your life.

But the reality is I am totally at peace with these things. I don’t find even an iota of happiness in celebrating anything. I can spend my whole day alone just by sleeping. I don’t feel like talking with anyone. I am loving being alone.

Some years back when I was in my school days, I was a happy always smiling boy. The one who would talk unnecessarily and make people smile with his idiotic talks because I loved to make people smile and laugh. The one who would easily get hurt by someone’s idiotic comments. The one who cared for everyone. The one who wanted everyone’s happiness.

Now that I have transitioned from the teenage years to adult life, there’s quite a stark difference in me. Even in the first two years of my graduation, my nature hadn’t changed much compared to my school days. There’s a saying that “You change when something big happens with you”.

Something big happened. The one I loved with all my heart left me for a reason that hurt me much more than even her leaving me. She left a void which is difficult to fill. I was so accustomed to share everything with her that when she left, I found myself like in the middle of ocean with nowhere to go. I have learnt my lesson now that we should keep our feelings to ourselves. We shouldn’t get so much dependent and accustomed to someone. This incident jolted me inside out and made me numb to every human emotion. That always smiling face ceased to exist. That easily hurt nature ceased to exist. That always caring nature ceased to exist.

And I am really happy that I changed into this. I have become a much darker version of myself and I am loving this. I have stopped giving second chances to anyone. Those who hurt me even unknowingly are good as dead to me. I have started giving others a taste of their own attitude and ego with quadrupled intensity.

I am so much at peace with myself now that I don’t need anyone.